


To Thine Self Be True

by Hildigunnur



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Broadway, M/M, Musicals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-07
Updated: 2012-11-07
Packaged: 2018-03-14 00:20:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3401540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hildigunnur/pseuds/Hildigunnur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Don't judge a Broadway star by their act.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Thine Self Be True

**Author's Note:**

> Eternal gratitude to my beta, [](http://sarka.livejournal.com/profile)[sarka](http://sarka.livejournal.com/). The remaining errors are all mine. And yeah, the title is from _Hamlet_.
> 
> Written for a Beyond Dapper mini-hiatus challenge for [](http://fragil3thing.livejournal.com/profile)[**fragil3thing**](http://fragil3thing.livejournal.com/) who gave the following prompt: "Kurt is a primadonna Broadway darling and people fawn over him. He's not really a super diva, just closed off, and a bit prissy. Blaine is the composer/songwriter of the musical Kurt is in and he is annoyed with Kurt, but secretly attracted to him of course. Kurt on the other hand, is smitten. But he's still a baby penguin in his mind, and still thinks "the touch of the fingertips is as sexy as it gets" because during his meteoric rise, his encounters with other men have been less than desirable, so he initially tries to seduce Blaine, but fails."

Shoving the sheet music into his folder, Blaine Anderson wished he could redo that day - hell, redo that week. This wasn't how the first week of rehearsals of his first musical should have gone. Up to this point, the whole thing had been like something out of a fairy tale. There he was, barely out of college but with big enough of dreams of becoming the next Sondheim, and he struck gold in having the right connections and piqued the interests of few producers looking for a musical to back.

Well, it all had been like a dream, until it became evident that they needed more financial backing - and that money came with a stipulation: the principal role would go to the hottest new star on Broadway. Naturally, a thing like that shouldn't have put a damper on the dream, but when the hottest new star on Broadway was Kurt Hummel, it unfortunately became a problem.

Pushing the folder into his shoulder bag Blaine thought about Ben's hushed voice when he was whispering the latest gossip from the chorus line: how Jack Alistair, who led the group of new investors had been seen wining and dining Kurt Hummel at Per Se. Poor Ben. He had worked so hard in every workshop, but he wasn't quite the right fit for Adrian, the main role. Kurt Hummel, on the other hand, he was born to play Adrian.

That was probably the reason why Blaine was so frustrated. He was proud of _To Thine Own Self Be True_ ; he knew he had created something worthwhile. Given the right performers this musical would become a hit, and he wasn't too humble to admit that to himself. Kurt was the right performer but he definitely put the I in diva. Nothing seemed to be up to his standards.

"I don't like the way it goes 'all so mundane, so ver-y medi-ocre', I don't think I should stress on the 'very'."

"It would sound better if I could sing that line in a higher key."

"There's no way I'm wearing those pants."

"I hope that chair is just a temporary prop."

Ad nauseam. Apparently, Kurt had gotten used to some sort of royal treatment all the time, because when he wasn't singing or saying his lines, he was complaining.

Being the great white hope of the Great White Way had obviously gone to his head and Blaine wasn't all that surprised. Already at NYADA, Kurt had been making waves – his impressive vocal range was lauded along with his acting ability and he had scored a great role right after graduation: Beadle Bamford in a revival of _Sweeney Todd_ , and before getting cast in Blaine's show, everyone had been creaming themselves over Kurt's run as Raoul in _The Phantom of the Opera_.

And as soon as the news of Kurt getting cast in _To Thine Own Self Be True_ got out, everyone was buzzing about Kurt getting his first Tony-nomination.

Leaving the rehearsal studio, Blaine was longing for a long, stiff drink. He was planning to stare down into the glass, to try to forget about Kurt's poor attitude, or just forget about him all together for the evening. Even despite the fact that he possessed the voice of an angel and looked like a male runway model.

Hell, he was the one who deserved the Tony. For putting up with Prima Donna boy all week.

~~

There wasn't a day that Kurt Hummel didn't pinch himself to see whether it was all a dream. Or at least that was the line he kept repeating in every interview he gave. It all seemed like a dream. The strange kind of a fever dream that seems unreal even when you are sleeping. Because sure, his voice was being heard and he was doing exactly what he'd been dreaming of doing since he started to sing along with 'Do-Re-Mi'.

But he still felt like the boy from Lima, Ohio, who hadn't even as much as held hands with another boy when he got accept at NYADA, still that romantic idealist who lost himself in musicals and old films, where Maria and Captain von Trapp singing 'Something Good' made his stomach swoop. Even if his virginity was long gone and he'd had more sexual partners than he had fingers.

New York had provided him with male attention, but it was quite different than he'd envisioned on the lonely nights back in Ohio. There were fewer bouquets of flowers and heartfelt declarations of admiration. Instead there were strong come-ons and hands down his pants at clubs and bars. First he had balked at all that blatant attention, literally running away, but his loneliness and yearning to be desired won over and he had given in to the world of anonymous sex and semi-anonymous sex. The thing was that the creature who allowed himself to come into the mouths of strangers in club bathrooms, that was only a tiny part of Kurt Hummel. The rest of him watched in horror as he gave himself to men and did things that only gave him momentarily physical pleasure.

At first he'd whined to his friends about why he couldn't get a serious boyfriend, but who wanted to put in the effort when everyone had realized that Kurt Hummel was desperate enough to put out right away whenever he liked a guy enough.

Maybe he should be thankful that he hadn't done _that_ often enough to gain a reputation. It was bad enough that he turned into a pile of shivering pathetic mess every time a guy thought he was worth their time.

Admitting to himself that he was doomed to be a failure when it came to romance made him only more determined to succeed professionally. After all, he was doing something he loved above all things. The only thing was that he still felt like someone would decide one day that he didn't deserve his success, that no one actually wanted to see him perform, that the lights would go out permanently for him. All this was fleeting and he had to hold on with all his might.

He knew he still did that thing, being controlling and overly critical, to mask the fact that he was so very afraid and every time he opened his mouth to give his opinion, the faces of the others tightened. But he had everything on the line now: it was the first time he'd be originating a role here on Broadway, the first time he'd be eligible for a Tony. Even though he was pretty sure this was the best new musical since _Wicked_ , or at least since _The Book of Mormon_ , one scathing review could make this flop harder than _Carrie the Musical_. Plus, this wasn't just about his career - others had also a lot to lose. Kurt felt responsible for all of them. Most of all for Blaine. Wonderful, handsome Blaine who was this music genius who also had a way with words and _To Thine Own Self Be True_ was his baby.

The worst thing was that Kurt could feel an epic crush coming on. He still hadn't completely shaken off his tendency to respond that way to any scrap of kindness thrown his way by good-looking men. And while he sensed how irritated Blaine sometimes was with him, Blaine was never anything but polite and professional towards him, and even gave him the odd praise which wasn't something the rest of the cast did much.

Well, at least Blaine was gay and available, though he'd never look twice at Kurt in that way.

~~

At the end of the second week of rehearsals, they all decided to go out for drinks. Normally casts were quicker to get together like that, but the Kurt bombshell had shaken up the dynamics a bit. Still, everything had been going so smoothly, Kurt had toned down on the whining and things were coming together in such a way that everyone thought they deserved to celebrate a little.

Blaine hadn't been sure whether Kurt would deign to grace the get-together with his presence. Avery, who was playing Dora, the leading female role, had mentioned that she'd told Kurt that they were going out and to quote her, "he looked at me like I'd suggested that we should mud-wrestle on stage instead of sing."

But there he was, standing a little to the side of the cluster of happy and drunk actors, dancers, stagehands and other assorted theater folk. He looked more shy than snobbish in the dim-lighting of the bar, with his tumbler full of some sort of a pink drink. There was something so strangely vulnerable about him that Blaine felt compelled to go up to him to strike up a conversation.

"Hey, nice to see you here."

Kurt looked at him, like he was trying watch from under his eyelashes but that wasn't going all that well for him, seeing how he had a few inches on Blaine.

"Yeah, the same to you. Though I suppose this wouldn't be much of a celebration if you'd been missing from it."

"Maybe," Blaine chuckled a little.

"Oh, you are the catalyst. We are mere instruments for your beautiful music, sir." Kurt followed this with a laughter that might have been meant to be smooth but was a little bit shrill, like a bell ringing too fast.

"A composer is nothing if no one performs his music." Blaine almost bit his tongue. He wasn't about to engage in bad banter with Kurt Hummel but it kind of felt like a strange game where they were competing over who was more corny.

"And a singer is nothing if he doesn't have a song to sing."

Closing his eyes briefly, Blaine wondered to what higher power he could silently pray to in order to be mercy-killed right there and then. He made a last attempt to change the subject.

"Any dream roles you want do?" That should be a safe subject, someone like Kurt probably had at least a dozen roles memorized, just in case.

"Hmm, you auditioning?" Kurt was reaching out for his arms, long fingers brushing the material of Blaine's shirt.

"But we are just in rehearsals of _To Thine Own Self Be True_."

"Oh, I meant as... you know, someone to warm your bed."

This was a moment where Blaine would later be extremely grateful he hadn't been drinking anything, because he would probably have done a spit take over the bar, such was his surprise.

"What?!" he said, not loud enough to be a yell but enough to express his incredulity. Enough for a look of hurt confusion to appear on Kurt's face.

"I just... never mind," he whispered softly, not looking Blaine in the eye anymore.

_This had been a come-on?_

A part of Blaine, the well-bred, polite part, wanted to apologize and make some sort of amends, even if it meant taking Kurt to his bed, but the more rational part of him thought better of it. For starters, it wouldn't look good if he started sleeping with his leading man, plus this was Kurt, who might be easy on the eyes but probably was an over-demanding prude in bed, however that was possible.

But while he had trained himself to let go of his manners on occasion, he couldn't just let go of being a nice person.

"Hey, Kurt. I was surprised because I thought you didn't like me all that much, but this wouldn't be a good idea, you know. Let's concentrate on the musical, okay?"

"Yeah, you're right."

It was strange to see Kurt that deflated and Blaine's stomach suddenly felt a lot heavier than it had any right to be.

~~

Kurt wasn't one to run off after a defeat. Maybe it was because humiliation was something familiar, or maybe it was because he was somebody now.

This wouldn't be the first time, either, that he'd been making something up in his head and he had just made it up right there, in the dim light of the bar. He hadn't even been basing it on any significant looks he thought Blaine had been throwing his way at rehearsals, it had been all the cozy atmosphere and the alcohol in his blood, multiplied with his blooming crush.

He had made his excuses to Blaine and was absently-mindedly mingling with his co-stars, not knowing what they were talking about, just inserting a general comment here and there, but each glimpse of Blaine through the crowd caused a sharp sting in the pit of his stomach.

His self-doubt began spiraling but he wouldn't be in the place he's in now if he ever let them get to him. In the past, after grueling classes at NYADA where he'd received a dressing down from Madam Tibideaux, or back in Ohio when his loneliness was close to hollowing him out, he'd turned to his dad who was never more than a phone call away. And right there and then, in a dark bar in the Village, he needed his dad.

When Burt's gruff voice answered the phone, Kurt could feel a sense of warmth settle into his bones. Knowing that his father would care always made it sting a little less, no matter what was bothering him.

"Hi, Dad." Kurt said, leaning back on the partition. The men's room was normally the only place in a bar where one could carry a phone conversation and Kurt was lucky to find a free stall right away.

"Hey, buddy. Why are you calling so late?"

"Just wanted to say hi, you know."

"You called me earlier, remember? I thought you said you were going out after rehearsals."

"Yeah, I'm at this bar," Kurt said, knowing that the admission would spur his father's concern.

"You okay?" The tone of Burt's voice indicated that he knew Kurt had called him for a reason and he was going to stay on the line until Kurt would tell him what was going on.

"Dad, remember when I was still back in Ohio and complaining how the guys I liked didn't like me back, and you told me that I just had to wait and I'd find someone who was as brave as I was?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"You know, the whole brave thing isn't the problem anymore. But still I can't find a guy I like who likes me back."

"Buddy, what happened? Something must have happened for you to want to talk about this."

"Oh, it's just... Blaine, you know, the guy who wrote To Thine Own Self Be True, besides being so, so talented, he's actually the nicest guy, and he's so handsome... and I think I made a total fool of myself when I was trying to hit on him tonight." The awkwardness of his conversation with Blaine flooded over Kurt again and he knocked his head back against the wall in frustration.

"Kurt." His father's voice was soft.

"Where are the nice guys, Dad? Why can't they like me back?" The pent-up frustration had crept into his voice and thoughts. "Is this just always going to be an 'either or' thing? My career or my personal happiness?"

"Kurt, you know that's not what it is about. You have to remember that you matter, not only as someone people want to pay for watching sing and dance, but as your own person. You should want both things and you deserve both things."

"Yeah, but Blaine turned me down because it would interfere with us working together. See, I have to choose. I need to decide whether to eat the cake or not 'cause I can't have it both ways."

"I think you are painting this a little too black and white."

His father was right of course. Kurt knew this wasn't as clear cut as he had made it out to be. Maybe Blaine had been trying to let him down easy which just added to the list of his nice traits and didn't help to diminish the crush at all.

"Yeah, I suppose. I should concentrate on doing my best for this musical and for Blaine, even though he might not like me. It's the grown-up thing to do, right?"

"You don't need to ask me that, son."

"Thanks for listening, Dad. You're going to be there for opening night, right?"

"With bells on."

"Very funny, Dad. I'll hear from you tomorrow, okay? Thanks for listening."

"Anytime, kiddo."

~~

A few days after the night out with the cast, Blaine found himself in his make-shift office at the theater. He'd been rearranging a part of one of the big ensemble numbers from the first act, and was running through the lyrics to see whether they wouldn't still match up with the music when he stumbled across a line that Adrian sings: 'I deserve a happy, become it all and have it all, star-bright and shiny,' and it took him straight to the conversation he'd accidentally overheard, or more accurately, a part of a conversation, because he had overheard someone on the phone.

Kurt.

Who had been talking to his dad about him. He should have left the bathroom right there and then, but the mention of his name had him rooted to the spot. At the time, he hadn't known what to make of the conversation, but seeing Adrian's line he remembered what had made him write that particular line. That line which had been so very influenced by his own life because, in some sense, Adrian was him.

There had been naked longing in Kurt's voice as he was speaking on the phone and that made the burning feeling Blaine had in his stomach when he first realized that Kurt was talking about him, vanish. At that moment Blaine hadn't understood why that happened but looking at his own lyrics, he figured that he recognized exactly the same feelings Kurt had been expressing within himself.

Blaine's love life wasn't what you'd call inspirational. A handful of boyfriends who had been douchebags in disguise, a couple of one night stands and endless crushes that never went anywhere.

Then there came a time where he kind of gave up in order to concentrate on his music, and now he found himself realizing that he wasn't so different from Kurt. He wanted it all too. Not just the opportunity to get his work out there and the fame that would come along with that, but also love and romance.

It hadn't felt good to turn Kurt down at the time but in hindsight this made him feel even worse.

Putting away the pencil he'd been using to make notes about changes in the arrangement, Blaine leaned forward on his desk, rubbing at his temples. There was a certainty swimming around in his body, settling in his bones and inhabiting the fibers of his heart. His mind was still hesitant to form the words, to actually acknowledging the fact that he was developing feelings for Kurt Hummel.

Maybe he had to let go and let it happen but there was also a musical to stage.

~~

It was the last run-through before the previews and everyone was on edge. Things had started to really come together in the last few days and Kurt was finding the prospect of getting booed off stage less likely with every minute. Of course he couldn't predict how the general audience would react but he knew his musicals, he knew his talent and he knew this show was as good as it could be.

When the last note of the final song died out, those of the cast standing on the stage looked at each other and then burst out cheering. Avery pulled Kurt into a hug right away and he couldn't help but hug her back.

A loud _ahum_ sounded, disrupting the celebration.

"I just wanted to say a few words before we continue. You are all awesome and this has been a wonderful time. None of us can predict what will happen during the previews, not to mention opening night and after that, but this time has made it all worthwhile. Nothing compares to hearing and seeing your work come alive through the talents of other people, especially when your work is as personal as this musical is to me." Blaine both looked and sounded tall as he stood in front of them on the stage. "I want to thank you all. Those of you who have been here since we started the workshops and those of you who were added to the fold in later stages, like Kurt who is Adrian, even more than Adrian is me."

Kurt stifled a sigh because there was a stupid fluttering in his stomach, like he was just happy that Blaine was taking notice of him. It was so hard to lay rest to that crush, when Blaine was so freaking charming all the time and had taken to praising him almost constantly.

"So let's go, drink, eat and be merry because we will have loads of hard work of performing in front of us. The first round is on me."

The group shuffled off stage, Kurt trailing behind, not sure if he would join them at the bar. He was feeling a bit empty after the run-through, he had gone for a bit of catharsis through song when he sang Adrian's final solo, 'In My Heart of Heart'.

"Hey, Kurt. Wait up." Blaine came running after him. "Let me walk you..."

"Hey, I'm not sure if I'm going to go with the others. Feeling tired, you know."

"Oh gosh, of course." Blaine had put his hand on Kurt's forearm. The touch felt strangely warm. "But we could go somewhere, just me and you."

The warmth of Blaine touching his arm seemed to spread up Kurt's arm, up his neck and heating his face.

"Just me and you?" He asked, his voice hushed, though the rest of the company was all already in the dressing rooms, stripping off costumes and make-up or putting away props and equipment.

"That's what I said." Blaine had a wry smile on his face and a glint in his eyes that made Kurt feel slightly odd but still nice.

"Not a date, though." His own bravery surprised him. Blaine had already made it clear before that dating wasn't on the table for them, but then again he hadn't stated this as a question but as a fact. They'd be going as co-workers who had opted for more quiet than a full blown cast party.

"It doesn't have to be if you don't want it but I was thinking... I like it drawn out. I've always wanted... you know, courtship and all that. So you know, if we take it slow, it might not interfere." Blaine was smiling widely but it was that tiny sliver of doubt Kurt could see glittering in his eyes, that told him that Blaine was being serious and it was all the reassurance Kurt needed.

"I'd like that very much."

-Finis


End file.
